Tampering With Things Man Was Not Meant to Know - The Mad Scientist guide to Laboratory Safety. (Feb/28/2009 )
34. Finally your lab works and produces results, but this is the most dangerous period. Special precautions are necessary:
All employees are crooks and thieves, and they not only steal the pencils, but your invaluable results. Burglars couch everywhere. The inconspicuous car in front of your building is full of bugging devices.
Safes are needed (equipped as described in 23.), all computers need the most expensive protection software. Internet access highly restricted. To control your environment, purchase spy software, video cameras, and guard service. Don't use outdated techniques such as keywords, pins, keys or magnetic cards, both for doors and computers. Biometric recognition technology is the minimum for access authorization. Additionally the whole realm should be equipped with high-security doors, electric fences and spring guns, plus electromagnetic and acoustic shielding.
Don't trust the normally trustworthy persons such as family members or best friends. They could be bribed and trick you. Try to avoid encounters as far as possible. Don't answer any work related questions.
Don't attend any seminars, conferences or symposia. Don't publish your results. You are not vain and remember, the others are crooks and thieves.
If all protective measures fail and the enemy finally intrudes into your realm, an auto-destruct system should be installed for the whole. Best is a inconspicuous red switch on a remote-control or a simple voice entry such as "yourname 4-7 Alpha Tango". A silent 5 seconds countdown is normally enough and sequence abortion not necessary.
35. Another handy tip: have a direct line to the mental asylum in case you have one of these paranoid episodes or stop watching any more James Bond or Mission Impossible films, they can't be that good for you 
. And better yet, go to your GP and have a thorough reality check-up.....
36. The most handy tip: Always be sure to carry a Swiss army knife® and some household chemicals 
hobglobin on Mar 6 2009, 06:17 PM said:
37. And don't forget the duct tape (plus sharp teeth) and the Jeep Chief Cherokee for a quick getaway (esp when meeting the beer heiress for the first time)... 38. My best ideas develop during my (long) sleep, or I even dream them. Therefore I've purchased a dream recording device: a pencil and some slips of paper.
39. At least you didn't invent the device (I would've been more impressed) but, just in case you designed one for harnessing life-energy using a many sided and double-lined box (like the orgone accumulator) and then market it as a therapeutic device, if it's authenticity and effectiveness are being questioned by the law, better make sure you appear in court less they jail you for contempt..... and another useful tip: never tangle with the FDA, they can make a bonfire out of all your life's work....
40. Make sure that your inventions and discoveries are marketable and that the public and authorities can accept them (ethically, legally, economically). If not bribe and/or start a great big advertising campaign.
hobglobin on Mar 11 2009, 03:41 AM said:
40 (a) Even if they're not ethical, legal or economical, there's sure to be some sociopath, politician or evil scientist who'll pay big bikkies if it will give them an advantage over their enemies / opposition / mother-in-law.
41. And if you're stumped or stuck or not getting the results you've been slaving for during a major part of your waking life, then it's time for a sweet escape. Take a breather, commune with nature, consult the stars, perhaps inspiration will strike and you'd have solved two of science's greatest mysteries: the origin of life and how to please your mother-in-law.......
42. Don't manipulate mouse genetically so much that they also start listening to Bob Dylan