Tampering With Things Man Was Not Meant to Know - The Mad Scientist guide to Laboratory Safety. (Feb/28/2009 )

24. An addition to point 23, in the face of rejection append the statement "You shall rue the day that..." followed by the form of rejection received. Finally make a dramatic departure with your coat billowing behind you. (yes, practice is required to produce the effect). Do not slam doors.

25. Never do experiments with time (though the Vulcan science council has deemed time travels impossible). Either you get trapped in a time loop, and then over and over slowly killed by dreadful ghouls. Or you change your old timeline, causing a new present with a continuing Nazi reign of terror, as some historical events don't happened or in another way. But it is none of your business, because you and your family just don't exist anymore: in that new timeline your grandfather was killed before he reproduced.

26. Another very crucial thing we have to remember: document, record, archive all results, findings, discoveries in a manner consistent with GLP (at the very least) and preferably in hard-bound, really tough, acid-free, tamper-proof, nuclear-holocaust-survival-quality laboratory logbooks so that in the event of being accused of scientific fraud or misconduct, you’d have all the proof you need for substantiating all your claims…this is so much better than using the age-old defence of ‘my dog ate it’ just bec you like to write in scraps of toilet paper and strew them all over the lab……too bad for Imanishi-Kari and David Baltimore….…

27. It is important to take the time to participate in outreach programmes and help members of the public better understand science. Demonstration such as a 100 foot tall fire breathing reptile or an army of ravenous men-beast are always popular with the general public.

28. But for all these photo op occasions, it's time for a total beauty make-over...the crazy hair style has to go, those hideous glasses, the crooked teeth..... a trip to the tanning salon is also a must to get rid of that death pallor from imprisoning yourself too long in that ivory tower. Hugo Boss for the guys, Dolce and Gabbana for the ladies...and you should practice in front of a mirror and decide which is your best profile shot..try to look less 'mad'..you're promoting the science, right?..

29. But you've to stick to your core competences (mad/evil/awkward science I guess), therefore you have to boost your team: managers, spin doctors, hair-stylists, life-style gurus, public relations officers, safety officers, secretaries. And of course lots of representatives, consultants and administrator for this and that, just to have a lean and dynamic enterprise.

30. And how are you going to finance this lean mean enterprise? I guess we’re back to beer heiresses and old billionaires. That’s cool tho….still in keeping with the archetypal alchemist spirit…..but instead of transforming lead into gold, you just become a gold digger…. ...

31. This leads to another important topic, connected to 23.: You have to belief in what you do, independent how mad or evil the others estimate or judge it. Faith can move mountains, experimental linear accelerator-driven fusion reactors perhaps transform plutonium to gold. If not, a radioactive pollution of the gold reserves may help then, an old but field-tested method.

casandra on Mar 6 2009, 09:36 AM said:

Alternately, invent (using your planet-sized intellect) some very useful stuff. The proceeds from these ventures will allow you the privacy and freedom to indulge your "other" interests...

32. When you have your laboratory in your place of residence (be it castle, palace, super-cruiser or submarine, or even the innocuous suburban house), make sure the door closes automatically, so that, should the phone ring and you need to leave the lab for 2 minutes, the dog / your child / their soccer ball etc cannot accidently get in / fall down the stairs / bounce in because of a misdirected kick and wreak havoc on your experiment. It almost goes without saying that the experimental procedure should involve hundreds of glass tubes (because glass is recyclable, and that's important in these days of environmental awareness and diminishing natural resources) full of different-coloured liquids, which might cause a catastrophic explosion, release of noxious fumes (and speaking of which, are your chemical fume hoods and extractor fans up to date? Did you clean out the chemical scrubbers? And what about fumigation? You know you should...), or something else that falls under the catch-all category of "nasty things". Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, the lab door; make sure it closes.

33. If you've already made the successful transition from mad to the absent-minded scientist, then it's high time you start tying threads around your fingers to remind you of what you're most likely to forget..... they should be color-coded of course. Left hand for personal stuff and the right for work-/lab-related issues.
Once this very simple yet effective method is put in use, one could prevent all the nasty things described in point 32.

For a bit of demonstration: left hand, red thread, thumb means I have a child; blue thread in index- I have a dog; yellow thread in middle finger- I have a bouncing ball. Green thread in fourth- feed the child while purple in pinky- feed the dog. Double-tying is also allowed: additional black in pinky-take memory booster pill after lunch and so on and on and on....Of course, the right hand meaning the work/lab-related one would be a lot more complicated, even a challenge so simply use your imagination. And you don't have to know rocket science to guess the most common thing we forget- a pink thread around the thumb of the right hand means 'don't leave the lab doors open'.