I think, therefore, I joke - I joke, therefore, you better laugh (Jan/30/2009 )
ok....time for some philosophical pick-me-up posters from www.despair.com:
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot!"
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
”I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde
”I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second….. if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill to Shaw, in response
”I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial”
– Irvin S. Cobb
”He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
– Samuel Johnson
”He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde
Woman to Churchill. “If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.”
Churchill replied “If you were my wife, madam, I’d take it.”
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
Can Cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ’Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied, ’They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ’Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said, ’I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! ’Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!
and instant coffee
In honour of our monumental loss to the US in Mens Hockey last night, here's a "sign" of wisdom:
I thought it was 'Whaling'