To give up or not to give up, that is the question? - (Jun/04/2007 )
I am in a very difficult position as of recently. I've moved to another country to live with my now ex-fiancee and to finish mys tudies and now that I am starting my 2nd year of PhD, I broke up with him realizing he's really not the one and never was (not to mention before we killed eachother LOL) and I am stuck with no family or friends here. I knwo taht getting friends will take time and that I need to be more open since I am such an introvert, but right now I jsut feel exhausted I guess. I had to move to another apartment all by myself, clean everything, go get a new passport and worry if it will be done in time for my vacation adn doing A LOT of work just to get soemthing worth it before my boss comes from vacation and before I go myself to vacation in 20 days (WOOHOO!). For the first time in my life I am seeing myself in full light and everything is kinda shocking me. I never had a relationship shorter than 1 year, never been without a boyfriend. So I had a lot of things happening all at once. The thing is that my boss is a witch lady adn she's on my ass constantly, let's say she used to be because I had a controlling boyfriend which made me insecure and she could then say and do whatever she wanted but now I am resisting because I know my work is worth. Still, I know I can do even better. My guess it is just lack of experience that sometimes my experiments don't work or that I do not think about some stuff. Do you think I am just out of my strength as off right at this moment and thinking of giving up is momentarily? because I am starting to doubt if I am good enough to finish my PhD. Sometimes working really ahrd for it doesn't bring you the title, you know? Should I give up?
Hey Smoochiepie,
I think you're just feeling a little overwhelmed right now and I guess you're grieving too. It would pass. And change could be really scary. But you've come this far so the decision to quit or not to quit would depend on what you really want to do/to be and how motivated you are. You've already unshackled yourself why stop there? Most skills can be learned and unless you're quite lucky to fall within the high IQ spectrum, a lot would hinge on what you are willing to do and how much you're willing to sacrifice to get your PhD. Oft times it helps to have the american "can do" attitude
Controling boyfriend, eh? Hmmm, do you want me to do a little male bashing to cheer you up? 
casandra
Breaking up with someone after you've moved to a new country is really difficult, since you start over without the support network you would have had back home... and If I remember correctly you're living in Sweden too, where making good friends is really time-dependent.
(can you tell I've been in this position?)
First up, good for you that you actually did it, instead of putting it off.
Now you get to fit out your new appartment exactly to your own taste, eat what you want and when you want, choose what channel is on the tv, and spend more time getting to know the locals.
Second, give yourself time to evaluate your PhD decision, and don't make any decisions till you're over the breakup and enjoying your freedom. That decision must be independent of your ex, otherwise he's still got control over you 
Take care.
Good advice
hi
i'm with oryx in the fact you are in a position smilar to if you were just moving in a new country. Choosing an appartment, going out etc is not very easy in a short period. Moreover if your boyfriend was trying to control you, it's now a time for you to find your personality. I mean when i broke up, it needed to me few weeks before enjoying freedom, knowing where i like to really go out, what makes me truly happy... and for friends it's the same. Nordic people (assuming you're in sweeden 
) are more reserved persons. but truly friends when you know them.
so let you have some time for turning over our separation and entering your new situation of life. You need to build roots in that "new" life.
the fact you're already concerning about the end of your pHD shows you have a critical view of what you want for your thesis. you're asking you the good questions, and let me remind you that pH D are not always ok directly from the first year. You probably know few people in this forum and elsewhere for who things are not really all ok. Situation turned goo for me at beginning of 3rd year.
I'm pretty sure you're a good curious person, quality which i consider as needed for asking good points...
Wish you the best. fred
i'm with oryx in the fact you are in a position smilar to if you were just moving in a new country. Choosing an appartment, going out etc is not very easy in a short period. Moreover if your boyfriend was trying to control you, it's now a time for you to find your personality. I mean when i broke up, it needed to me few weeks before enjoying freedom, knowing where i like to really go out, what makes me truly happy... and for friends it's the same. Nordic people (assuming you're in sweeden
) are more reserved persons. but truly friends when you know them. so let you have some time for turning over our separation and entering your new situation of life. You need to build roots in that "new" life.
the fact you're already concerning about the end of your pHD shows you have a critical view of what you want for your thesis. you're asking you the good questions, and let me remind you that pH D are not always ok directly from the first year. You probably know few people in this forum and elsewhere for who things are not really all ok. Situation turned goo for me at beginning of 3rd year.
I'm pretty sure you're a good curious person, quality which i consider as needed for asking good points...
Wish you the best. fred
Thank you everyone, I guess I just need to start believing in myself more and just hang on until my vacation in 20 days and then get some needed rest and some support from my family.
Vacation is no help.
This is PhD!!
You are just in 2nd year and you have a lot to go; unless you are in UK.
But then you have a postdoc in line, so there is no go.
The fact to accept is that PhD is hard for everybody; you are not the only weak one.
So get over it.
Try to think your experiments through.
Use your best logic, get best advice, read a lot and synthesize everything into an experiment.
It will start working!
Experiments don't work because you don't have time and attitude to do the above.
So do it.
cheer up!!!
you might be lonely after breaking up... but we, everyone in this bioforum is here to keep you company!!!!!
ya, i think you should really think about the question of giving up or not. if you want to give up, WHAT IS THE REASON? just because of breaking up? or lonely in a foreign country? that's is not the reason to give up.
if your reason is something like.... supervisor not good, you can't see any promising result in your project or you are very sure that your project is NOT WORKING and your supervisor insist that you continue... no grant/money/funding... or YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN RESEARCH/DOING PHD, only want to out working and making money, getting married... etc. etc... then quit before you waste you time.
you need to think and make decision for your own good. go holiday and let your mind settle down, then think again what you want and go for it...
we all will be here to give you moral support!!!
you might be lonely after breaking up... but we, everyone in this bioforum is here to keep you company!!!!!
ya, i think you should really think about the question of giving up or not. if you want to give up, WHAT IS THE REASON? just because of breaking up? or lonely in a foreign country? that's is not the reason to give up.
if your reason is something like.... supervisor not good, you can't see any promising result in your project or you are very sure that your project is NOT WORKING and your supervisor insist that you continue... no grant/money/funding... or YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN RESEARCH/DOING PHD, only want to out working and making money, getting married... etc. etc... then quit before you waste you time.
you need to think and make decision for your own good. go holiday and let your mind settle down, then think again what you want and go for it...
we all will be here to give you moral support!!!
Fred 33 and amyfer thanks for the support, I will take time to see what is making me think I wanna give up. Amyfer, you are probably right on the money. Thanks all again!