family problem - (Apr/28/2007 )

i love my husband too much, but i cant adopt with him because he is not homely.
we had love relationship since 1992 and in 2002 we got married. i tried in many ways to make him homely but i failed. what should i do now???

How about talking to him? Dont keep everything to yourself as one day it might explode.
Hope everything will be fine for you.

Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor?

What do you mean by homely? Homely means ugly, but I'm sure that's not what you mean.

Yes, please define what you mean by "homely".

Do you desire your husband to spents his evening reading books, and watching sunsets? While what he really does is go to the pub ever evening and hang out with his work mates?

Why is "homely" a good thing? And what is he doing that is bad?

An accurate description of his actual behaviour and how you want him to behave would be important to clear up this situation, as "homely" can mean very different things to different people. Moreover "homely" is usually associated with "boring", or in my case too tired to talk to people, but just enough to bite off heads and having barely enough energy to eat, with a social life much akin to a nun or a monk.


"Marriage counsellor" is certainly an idea. Or even a mutual friend which both you and your husband are very close with.

And if you are doing well with your in-laws, perhaps a chat with your mother in-law to get further insight into your husband's mind.

The important thing is to start talking, in conversational manner, and be careful with your tone of voice. Nobody likes to be nagged and changing habits are very hard to do. You must be able to offer an alternative activity for your husband if he is to give up being “outgoing” – (yes, really do need to define “homely”. Because the antonyms to “homely” that comes to mind, is extrovert, swanky and posh.)

I don't know this principle will apply to your case.

Never feel attach or anything. If there is no attachment, you wouldnt be feeling bad. If you love him, let him to be happy with that he is doing. Oh well... perhaps I am the youngest here... so can't really give a solid advice.

1st thing you can do is always is to tell him everything. From A-Z. I am not sure he got the message but it seems to me you didnt get the message across. The other thing is learn to accept.

You kept on wanting him to do this and that. Have you ever wonder what he really wants you to do? Perhaps once you understand what he wants from you. You can explain to him or perhaps make him knows what you want too. I am sure you love your husband and vice versa. Make sure both of you work it out together.

Good luck....

OK, so, your husband is not taking care of the house, and you are tired of taking care of the house alone.
You need some help. If he is not able to help you, maybe he should hire someone who will help you.
I don't think you will be able to change him completely.
If you go shopping with him, try to put the things in the right place together.
Instead to ask him to do something, ask him to help you. I don't know if it will work, but sometimes it's easier to help, than to start to do something by your own.
And yes, if you have enough money, hire someone and try to find some hobby to do. You are allowed to be happy. And you would also have someone else to talk with.
good luck

It seems like some issues transcend cultures, and the problem of getting your spouse to do their part in the home is one of them. I have a similar problem, though not quite as bad.

You probably will not be able to change him that much, but you can get him to improve. One thing that helps is defining what jobs you want him to do, and start out simple. Explain what will happen if he doesn't do these jobs, like "If you don't go get the groceries on this list and put them away while I'm at the lab, I won't be able to cook your dinner." Eventually this will become something you make him do every week, and once he's used to it you can add other chores.

I've done this, plus hired somebody to clean our apartment every other week, plus I've learned to lower my standards as to what is 'clean.' Sometimes you have to make the best of things.

A more severe approach if what I've suggested doesn't work is to treat him like a child, since he's acting like one anyway. This will be easy since I assume you manage finances along with everything else. So, if he spends all his time on the net and won't do housework, don't pay the internet bill one month. When he complains, tell him why you did it. If he wants to be married and have a wife who does things for him, he has to do his part. This is drastic, and you can expect a big angry argument, but it has worked for me in some cases. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but pull his internet plug and he'll realize you mean business.

realise that the boy you dated is never going change. marriage does not change a person. you will never change him.
women think that after marriage the boy will change into the man they want. actually, the boy stays the same. men think that after marriage nothing really changes.
sorry to be a bit blunt. nothing you can do will change him. either find a way to live with it, or move on.

V

My dear friend
i think you dont know this or if you know it you dont want to believe and accept it :MEN DONT CHANGE
so my advice to you start to adapt with it , i dont mean by adaptation to gave up but try to ask him to help you while you are arround , you can also make a schedule between you 2 by the duties and try to put for him the easy ones or the one that will never cause a disaster when not done.