Am I about the get into ANOTHER bad relationship? - Impartial (ish) advice sought (Mar/20/2007 )
OK,
I've been seeing a lot of a guy who I am getting very fond of, he is smart, funny, into a lot of my hobbies and great to be around. This is all good, plus there are enough differences between us to keep the relationship on its toes. All well and good....
However he is a rascist and a committed christian.
While I can't condone the rascism at all (and have almost convinced him that to be called a rascist is a bad thing!) I do understand it as he comes from Zimbabwe where it is cultural and most people appear to be PROUD to hate everyone else. The christianity makes me uncomfortable too, partly as I am mostly a pagan with buddist tendancies, coming from a family of athiests, but mostly because of the hypocrasy inherant in it, as, by having a relationship with me he is breaking a commandment and several bits of advice written in the bible.
Am I storing up heartbreak for myself here?
Also should I risk this in the last year of my PhD when my supervisor wants me to give up all my hobbies and friends (i.e everything that makes life bearable) because they are a "distraction".
Anyone been in this situation?
A rascist is not a good person.
He is not a good christian either, or he will not act as a rascist.
Believe is a strong part for a good relationship.
so...
I agree. cultural mores aside, racism is wrong. my father and brother are racist and I grew up in a part of the country with a high percentage of racist people, but once I grew my own mind I realized how wrong it was to treat or perceive other people that way, and I am not racist. you can't blame it all on upbringing; at some point you have to make up your own mind and realize that you are responsible for yourself
anyways, I have broken up with people over this issue before; I have very strong feelings about it.
the difference in religion is perhaps easier, as long as you can come to agreements to do your own thing there and not judge each other (or try to convert each other). the only potential problem that I see there, is how will you raise any potential children? that is putting the cart before the horse, but still an important thing to iron out before you get too serious
good luck making your choice, Rosie
all religions teach us to be good. if there is a religion teachs racism and hate the other in their teaching book... that is not a good religion. if a person follow a good religion but still hate others and racist... he can't be a good person.
choose a friend wisely. a good and helpful friend is not a distraction. my boyfriend and i are in the same lab, same supervisor. as an adult, we are sensible enough not to affect our work by our relationship. actually, we helped each other a lot. there are a lot more couples in my place in same lab and same supervisor... not a problem at all!!!. and i don't think my supervisor mind that at all, she knew about our relationship long long time ago.
if you think your boyfriend gives you more trouble then help, caused more distraction then help, maybe it is wrong for both of you to be togather. imagine what kind of life you'll have in future if you stick with him or marry him?
the questions you are asking are not important
the fact you are asking questions is.
nobody here is going to say racism is a good thing and the christianity thing will rely a lot on whether the person answering is christian or not.
similar hobbies are not going to cement a relationship in the same way that an overbearing supervisor wont be able to break a stong bond.
that simply leaves you with this : does being with him on a good day feel better than a good day alone, is a bad day with him worse than a bad day alone - does he make your life better than it would be without him.
good luck
dom