19 replies to this topic

[Kami23]

Sorry if this isnt the place for this but I feel like I need to rant at someone.  My partner has been unemployed now for four months and today refused to go to the job centre so they can help him look for work.  He says its like admitting defeat but surely if he gets there help and finds a job then people will get off his back for being unemployed!  I dont think hes looking as hard as he says he is but I cant tell him that because it would hurt him... Im so angry with him because he just wont ask for help.  I go to uni for about 50 hours a week exclusive of the 45 mins commute each way and yet he moans that he has to do house work, clean the lizards etc.  I am sick to the back teeth of it...

How do I help him without hurting him?

[Clare]

Kami23, on Mar 2 2009, 01:01 PM, said:

Sorry if this isnt the place for this but I feel like I need to rant at someone.  My partner has been unemployed now for four months and today refused to go to the job centre so they can help him look for work.  He says its like admitting defeat but surely if he gets there help and finds a job then people will get off his back for being unemployed!  I dont think hes looking as hard as he says he is but I cant tell him that because it would hurt him... Im so angry with him because he just wont ask for help.  I go to uni for about 50 hours a week exclusive of the 45 mins commute each way and yet he moans that he has to do house work, clean the lizards etc.  I am sick to the back teeth of it...

How do I help him without hurting him?

Hi darl,

Sorry to hear this - I know how tough it is, especially in the UK! When I first moved over here my husband could not find work for ages and ended up doing a bar job which he hated. It was really tough on our relationship. But it's all good now

Does it really matter if you tell him how you feel and he gets hurt? Honesty is the best policy (sorry to use such a cliche). I know you don't want to hurt him but perhaps he needs the brutal truth??? What doesn't kill your relationship will only make it stronger in the long run

xClare

[Kami23]

Clare, on Mar 2 2009, 02:08 PM, said:

Kami23, on Mar 2 2009, 01:01 PM, said:

Sorry if this isnt the place for this but I feel like I need to rant at someone.  My partner has been unemployed now for four months and today refused to go to the job centre so they can help him look for work.  He says its like admitting defeat but surely if he gets there help and finds a job then people will get off his back for being unemployed!  I dont think hes looking as hard as he says he is but I cant tell him that because it would hurt him... Im so angry with him because he just wont ask for help.  I go to uni for about 50 hours a week exclusive of the 45 mins commute each way and yet he moans that he has to do house work, clean the lizards etc.  I am sick to the back teeth of it...

How do I help him without hurting him?

Hi darl,

Sorry to hear this - I know how tough it is, especially in the UK! When I first moved over here my husband could not find work for ages and ended up doing a bar job which he hated. It was really tough on our relationship. But it's all good now

Does it really matter if you tell him how you feel and he gets hurt? Honesty is the best policy (sorry to use such a cliche). I know you don't want to hurt him but perhaps he needs the brutal truth??? What doesn't kill your relationship will only make it stronger in the long run

xClare

Hes led a very sheltered life bless him and I asked him before he moved in with me if he would be willing to take anything as a job.  Now hes being snobbish about it and wont take anything that he thinks is below him (for example he wouldnt take a job being a lolipop man even though it was ten pounds an hour and got him out of the house)

I should be brutally honest with him but he says he feels like evryone is against him and I dont want him to feel like that.  Im doing my best but tbh Im knackered and I just want to come home to a clean house thats very selfish of me i know but he could pull his weight without all the moaning.

[Clare]

Hes led a very sheltered life bless him and I asked him before he moved in with me if he would be willing to take anything as a job.  Now hes being snobbish about it and wont take anything that he thinks is below him (for example he wouldnt take a job being a lolipop man even though it was ten pounds an hour and got him out of the house)

I should be brutally honest with him but he says he feels like evryone is against him and I dont want him to feel like that.  Im doing my best but tbh Im knackered and I just want to come home to a clean house thats very selfish of me i know but he could pull his weight without all the moaning.
[/quote]

Sounds like someone I know! Perhaps tell him how you feel about the house situation instead of hassling him for being unemployed? And it's not selfish of you at all. If he's at home all day and you're working your butt off at uni, then by all means he should be cleaning!!! Tell him you're exhausted and ask him would he mind cleaning the house a bit during the day? What do you think he would say to that?

Clare

[Kami23]

Clare, on Mar 2 2009, 03:03 PM, said:

Quote

Hes led a very sheltered life bless him and I asked him before he moved in with me if he would be willing to take anything as a job.  Now hes being snobbish about it and wont take anything that he thinks is below him (for example he wouldnt take a job being a lolipop man even though it was ten pounds an hour and got him out of the house)

I should be brutally honest with him but he says he feels like evryone is against him and I dont want him to feel like that.  Im doing my best but tbh Im knackered and I just want to come home to a clean house thats very selfish of me i know but he could pull his weight without all the moaning.

Sounds like someone I know! Perhaps tell him how you feel about the house situation instead of hassling him for being unemployed? And it's not selfish of you at all. If he's at home all day and you're working your butt off at uni, then by all means he should be cleaning!!! Tell him you're exhausted and ask him would he mind cleaning the house a bit during the day? What do you think he would say to that?

Clare

He just gets huffy and hes like 'why do i have to do it?' etc.  Its affecting my work too because I feel bad about leaving him in the house alone so i skip random days to help him/do housework.

[Telomerase]

Dump the guy.
If he doesn't even clean, he's not worth it.
Mine dropped out of uni, but still he'll take odd jobs, share housework, try once again with his studies, and won't moan about it. He's a man. Sorry to say that, but yours is a sponge that drains you.

Edited by Telomerase, 02 March 2009 - 11:20 AM.

[Minnie Mouse]

He is probably having depression.
He may be lack of motivation after losing his job.

It may be better to tell him how lucky he is to have a roof.
There are some unemployed people now homeless and live in the street.

[bob1]

There are practical realities to be thought about here:  

• The longer he is out of work, the harder it will be to convince someone that he is employable (after all in the 4 months he could have applied for lots of jobs and gotten none of them - which implies that he is not very good, rather than just selective about his work).
  
• With the current "economic crisis" less jobs are being advertised and more people are being made redundant/losing their jobs, so it is a very competitive market at the moment.  Meaning that unless he works really hard at it, he is unlikely to be employed
  
• Working any job that is available implies a readiness to work and versatility, qualities that any employer wants.

Regarding the housework:  I would tell him that you are not his mother, and that if he expects you to cook and clean for him while he is at home all day while you work, he can go back to his mother.

[GeorgeWolff]

Kami -as nice as you're being, you're not helping him.  As bob said, he's becoming a permanent unemployable.


Do him a favor - give him a choice to work or leave.

Edited by GeorgeWolff, 02 March 2009 - 04:53 PM.

[Telomerase]

I'm sure he's depressed, but the way you describe it, he doesn't have a depression, as a sickness.
I admit I don't quite get it. As far as I know, a job does not define a person and it's perfectly ok to take anything that drops by as long as it brings money home, and then look for a better thing. Most people I know did that. A loss of job is a normal thing and can happen to anyone, especially in hard times. It's not anybody's fault and it's silly to make an ego thing out of it.

[Sumpf]

Kami23, on Mar 2 2009, 04:14 PM, said:

He just gets huffy and hes like 'why do i have to do it?' etc.  Its affecting my work too because I feel bad about leaving him in the house alone so i skip random days to help him/do housework.

But he is now living on your costs, is he? If you pay everything, he should work for his food and roof for sure and without taking care on his feelings! Anyway, cleaning the appartment should be devided by all livin there. It can't be that woman have to do all the work and men are just sitting around.

[gebirgsziege]

I really understand you are frustrated (have been in a similar situation). Working more than 50h every week and doing all the house-work is hard. Especially if you do not get any support from your partner who is sitting at home all day long.
The worst thing you can do is skipping work to support him at home! This is causing more and more pressure for you. Your workload increases at home and at work....you will feel more and more exhausted.....and we all know where this could end.
So even if its hard, like was said previously: you have to confront him (and yourself) with the situation. And something must change, as you are telling us that you are suffering from the situation. Your husband is grown up so he must take some responsibility for his and your life. And you must decide how much pressure you can take as you seem to think it is partly your fault that your husband is sitting at home depressed. But it is not your fault; you have been discussing this topic before moving and he promised you something! So clean up your mind: How important is your relationship? What can you take to keep this relationship? And what do you expect your partner to do to get things straight again?

No easy decisons, but whatever you decide to do, you should be happy with your decison in the long run....

[GeorgeWolff]

Didn't see the two were married but were "partners"  -  a "former" best friend with benefits now parasite.

Prob time to become an adult and call the question.

[toejam]

poor guy, definitively depressed, temporal low self steem and on top of that a world economic crisis that doesn't help either. but life is not easy. so he'll just have to suck it up and get his butt working in whatever is available. little money is better than no money.

[haiyan]

I just want to say this situation happens every where. You need to communicate well. Just say what you want to say but let him understand that going out to work is good for him. You can encourge him and even help hime to look for the job. He needs to rebuild his confidence!
   When my husband came to with me, I have already been working in a uni in Australia for 9 months. He was willing to do anything at the beginning even he got a PhD as well: he went to the chinese factory to do the part time job, 10 AUD per hour. I didn't want him to do this job but then I thought it was good for him to go out of house. And we keep looking for job in the uni. 3 months later, he found a postdoc job in the same uni to mine. We were happy at that time. But, after 5 months, we thought we were wrong. His boss is very bad and I felt that my husband was deeply hurted. He was always nervous and upset and unhappy. At the same time, I am pregnant. So, my husband decieded to resign the job and come back home to take care of me. I was moved. Then, in the following one year, he took care of me and our baby. He did all the house work and he went back to the factory again. He was called "house husband" by some bodies. I know he cared about it but he was a little bit scared to go out to look for job after he experienced that bad boss. I realized that I can not let this situation going on: I should help him to look for the job and rebuild his confidence. Finally, I found a job in France and he got a job in the same orgnization as well. He is working very well now and He has his confidence back!
   So, don't worry too much. You can get this through!