61 replies to this topic

[hobglobin]

34. Finally your lab works and produces results, but this is the most dangerous period. Special precautions are necessary:

Don't trust anybody!

All employees are crooks and thieves, and they not only steal the pencils, but your invaluable results. Burglars couch everywhere. The inconspicuous car in front of your building is full of bugging devices.
Safes are needed (equipped as described in 23.), all computers need the most expensive protection software. Internet access highly restricted. To control your environment, purchase spy software, video cameras, and guard service. Don't use outdated techniques such as keywords, pins, keys or magnetic cards, both for doors and computers. Biometric recognition technology is the minimum for access authorization. Additionally the whole realm should be equipped with high-security doors, electric fences and spring guns, plus electromagnetic and acoustic shielding.
Don't trust the normally trustworthy persons such as family members or best friends. They could be bribed and trick you. Try to avoid encounters as far as possible. Don't answer any work related questions.
Don't attend any seminars, conferences or symposia. Don't publish your results. You are not vain and remember, the others are crooks and thieves.

If all protective measures fail and the enemy finally intrudes into your realm, an auto-destruct system should be installed for the whole. Best is a inconspicuous red switch on a remote-control or a simple voice entry such as "yourname 4-7 Alpha Tango". A silent 5 seconds countdown is normally enough and sequence abortion not necessary.

Edited by hobglobin, 06 March 2009 - 08:39 AM.

[casandra]

35. Another handy tip: have a direct line to the mental asylum in case you have one of these paranoid episodes or stop watching any more James Bond or Mission Impossible films, they can't be that good for you . And better yet, go to your GP and have a thorough reality check-up.....

[hobglobin]

36. The most handy tip: Always be sure to carry a Swiss army knife^® and some household chemicals  

[casandra]

hobglobin, on Mar 6 2009, 06:17 PM, said:

36. The most handy tip: Always be sure to carry a Swiss army knife^® and some household chemicals  

37. And don't forget the duct tape (plus sharp teeth) and the Jeep Chief Cherokee for a quick getaway (esp when meeting the beer heiress for the first time)...

[hobglobin]

38. My best ideas develop during my (long) sleep, or I even dream them. Therefore I've purchased a dream recording device: a pencil and some slips of paper.

[casandra]

39. At least you didn't invent the device (I would've been more impressed) but,  just in case you designed one for harnessing life-energy using a many sided and double-lined box (like the orgone accumulator) and then market it as a therapeutic device, if it's authenticity and effectiveness are being questioned by the law, better make sure you appear in court less they jail you for contempt..... and another useful tip: never tangle with the FDA, they can make a bonfire out of all your life's work....

[hobglobin]

40. Make sure that your inventions and discoveries are marketable and that the public and authorities can accept them (ethically, legally, economically). If not bribe and/or start a great big advertising campaign.

[swanny]

hobglobin, on Mar 11 2009, 03:41 AM, said:

40. Make sure that your inventions and discoveries are marketable and that the public and authorities can accept them (ethically, legally, economically). If not bribe and/or start a great big advertising campaign.

40 (a) Even if they're not ethical, legal or economical, there's sure to be some sociopath, politician or evil scientist who'll pay big bikkies if it will give them an advantage over their enemies / opposition / mother-in-law.

[casandra]

41. And if you're stumped or stuck or not getting the results you've been slaving for during a major part of your waking life, then it's time for a sweet escape. Take a breather, commune with nature, consult the stars, perhaps inspiration will strike and you'd have solved two of science's greatest mysteries: the origin of life and how to please your mother-in-law.......

[Doki]

42. Don't manipulate mouse genetically so much that they also start listening to Bob Dylan

[swanny]

43. When carrying out high-pressure experiments, make sure that all of your welds are good and all bolts are tight. make Sure that the pressure relief vales are checked regularly, in case some blundering hero (or the cat) leans on the wrong lever and makes the pressure rise well above the rated maximum for the pressure vessel (you can tell that from the red zone of the pressure gauge).

When carrying out such experiments, make sure all workers are out of the area during tests so there are no workplace injuries (the paperwork is appalling!). Work from behind protective materials that will not fail even if the vessel explodes.

[perneseblue]

44. If you have to give a presentation of your work to an important audience such as an archenemy, a superhero or a government secret agent, it pays to get some practice first. Rehears your talk, which is best done in front of a live audience. The girlfriend or significant other of our anticipated guest is desirable. However if this can not be done, use your research assistants instead.

[Doki]

perneseblue, on Mar 13 2009, 08:55 AM, said:

44. If you have to give a presentation of your work to an important audience such as an archenemy, a superhero or a government secret agent, it pays to get some practice first. Rehears your talk, which is best done in front of a live audience. The girlfriend or significant other of our anticipated guest is desirable. However if this can not be done, use your research assistants instead.

45.  If your boss is going to present his/her work to important audience and thinks of practising and for some reason he cannot do it in front of his/her significant other then he/she will turn to you if you are the research assistant. For such time, be prepared before hand - sleep well on the previous night, eat enough, and go to the toilet before the practice. You can practice these by yourself at home also by making your significant other talk to you what they think is important and sit down listening attentively no matter how difficult it might be.

[hobglobin]

46. If these presentations and talks are really this important, but you have no time for preparation and test talks, no ability and no results, then go to plan B: Mix some drugs in the coffee or prepare your special cookies. Something that brightens their mood, soften their dispositions, kills the power of judgment...the  spirits are running high, the bad futile talk is forgotten. Pot is well-tried and a hot tip.
For single persons hypnosis may help, but not applicable to super heroes or agents, at least if they are worth their salt.

[Doki]

hobglobin, on Mar 14 2009, 01:18 AM, said:

46. If these presentations and talks are really this important, but you have no time for preparation and test talks, no ability and no results, then go to plan B: Mix some drugs in the coffee or prepare your special cookies. Something that brightens their mood, soften their dispositions, kills the power of judgment...the  spirits are running high, the bad futile talk is forgotten. Pot is well-tried and a hot tip.
For single persons hypnosis may help, but not applicable to super heroes or agents, at least if they are worth their salt.

Means something like this