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Tampering With Things Man Was Not Meant to Know


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#46 casandra

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 10:52 AM

46. If these presentations and talks are really this important, but you have no time for preparation and test talks, no ability and no results, then go to plan B: Mix some drugs in the coffee or prepare your special cookies. Something that brightens their mood, soften their dispositions, kills the power of judgment...the spirits are running high, the bad futile talk is forgotten. Pot is well-tried and a hot tip.
For single persons hypnosis may help, but not applicable to super heroes or agents, at least if they are worth their salt.

Means something like this

47. But if you're gonna do something nefarious and illegal (desperate times like giving a seminar or presentation, call for desperate measures), make sure that your crime is fool-proof and designed with the utmost cunning and cleverest of planning, cover your tracks well or at least pour a little bit of mud on them, plan an escape route that might include a few nips and tucks and even an eye transplant, and if in the end you're still called in for routine questioning, the first rule of thumb: you must never ever volunteer relevant information....actually, tis the best time to play the absent-minded, senile professor..."my cat's been missing officer, oh it's my lab rabbit which looks like a cat, but it can meow to the tune of any Bob Dylan's songs like The Boxer and Yellow Brick Road....and why am I here...oops, sorry I'm still wearing my Sponge Bob pyjamas....did something happen..I've been looking for my cat disguised as a lab rabbit...no, we don't raise elephants in the lab so no need for a tranquiliser gun, and nope, never smoked it, the only pot I know is where I cooked my rabbit.....omg.. ... " :( :( ...feigning all innocence, shock and grief..... worthy of an Oscar...

Edited by casandra, 14 March 2009 - 10:52 AM.

"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#47 hobglobin

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 12:30 PM

48. Apart from a positive working atmosphere and reliable business environment, don't forget the gimmicks and gadgets that brightens the scientist's day and make sure that all work in a pleasant environment. I don't think of the automatic pipetting station with build-in mp3-player or scented autoclaves (though the latter might be useful too sometimes).
What a successful company and the evil scientist's backyard Inc. anyway needs are the proper laboratory animals.
Our ancestors stole cats and dogs from the streets, backyards and of course the cute pets of children. Or made expensive expeditions to collect apes and bats from rain forests or outlying castles (and then were bitten by those zombie-virus-vectors).
No. What one needs are standardised, healthy and easy to keep animals. Susceptible to the tests, modest, not dangerous, not malodorous, not too big, not too small.
I think of the laboratory koala that fulfils all the demands of a modern laboratory. But over and above all this advantages, it's a cute, fluffy pet, all technicians will love to work with and cuddle in the free time. As as result the working atmosphere is less tense and all are happy.
Finally those creatures are also useful for the therapy of absent-minded, senile professors. Certified by Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.
One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

#48 casandra

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 12:42 PM

48. Apart from a positive working atmosphere and reliable business environment, don't forget the gimmicks and gadgets that brightens the scientist's day and make sure that all work in a pleasant environment. I don't think of the automatic pipetting station with build-in mp3-player or scented autoclaves (though the latter might be useful too sometimes).
What a successful company and the evil scientist's backyard Inc. anyway needs are the proper laboratory animals.
Our ancestors stole cats and dogs from the streets, backyards and of course the cute pets of children. Or made expensive expeditions to collect apes and bats from rain forests or outlying castles (and then were bitten by those zombie-virus-vectors).
No. What one needs are standardised, healthy and easy to keep animals. Susceptible to the tests, modest, not dangerous, not malodorous, not too big, not too small.
I think of the laboratory koala that fulfils all the demands of a modern laboratory. But over and above all this advantages, it's a cute, fluffy pet, all technicians will love to work with and cuddle in the free time. As as result the working atmosphere is less tense and all are happy.
Finally those creatures are also useful for the therapy of absent-minded, senile professors. Certified by Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.

:( ...really....you shld 've stuck to the scented autoclaves...aromatherapy instead of cuddletheray could cure whatever ails Prof Farnsworth's mind. Besides, where are ya gonna get the eucalyptus leaves?
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#49 hobglobin

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 12:55 PM

48. Apart from a positive working atmosphere and reliable business environment, don't forget the gimmicks and gadgets that brightens the scientist's day and make sure that all work in a pleasant environment. I don't think of the automatic pipetting station with build-in mp3-player or scented autoclaves (though the latter might be useful too sometimes).
What a successful company and the evil scientist's backyard Inc. anyway needs are the proper laboratory animals.
Our ancestors stole cats and dogs from the streets, backyards and of course the cute pets of children. Or made expensive expeditions to collect apes and bats from rain forests or outlying castles (and then were bitten by those zombie-virus-vectors).
No. What one needs are standardised, healthy and easy to keep animals. Susceptible to the tests, modest, not dangerous, not malodorous, not too big, not too small.
I think of the laboratory koala that fulfils all the demands of a modern laboratory. But over and above all this advantages, it's a cute, fluffy pet, all technicians will love to work with and cuddle in the free time. As as result the working atmosphere is less tense and all are happy.
Finally those creatures are also useful for the therapy of absent-minded, senile professors. Certified by Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.

:( ...really....you shld 've stuck to the scented autoclaves...aromatherapy instead of cuddletheray could cure whatever ails Prof Farnsworth's mind. Besides, where are ya gonna get the eucalyptus leaves?

They are delivered just in time from a plantation, the koalas I mean :( .
One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

#50 casandra

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 03:35 PM

49. Now back to fancy gadgets that are a must in every lab for ensuring that you work in a healthy, happy, safe environment, they keep errors (therefore stress) to the minimum and make sure that you’re as productive as ever. One should install in every bench- LabStar® a lab security, safety and protocol navigation device. When you push the red button, a live, see-all, know-all female advisor (with a bedroom voice) will give you step by step instructions on how to do your complicated experiments. “Step 1. Unwrap your 96-well flat-bottomed plates and place on top of your bench N 37 degrees 45.69 and W 97 degrees 90.41.”

For a few dollars more, she can provide encouragement (“good job honey”) constructive criticisms (I see your point but it would be better if you wait till it dries up completely…), modify your protocol (instead of tapping gently, try a hammer) and even verbal abuse (not in that well, you idiot, I said the next one). It’s got an audio-interface, perfect for all your whining and unloading when things don’t work out. It even comes with a blue tooth for flexibility and portability so you’re still connected to your expt even when you’re on bathroom breaks. And while waiting during incubations, it can also set you up on dates, do your social networking, call your Mom etc…And in cases of emergency (like a mini-explosion or flash fires) , you’ve got the red button which when pushed would immediately send an SOS signal everywhere that even an alien ship passing by would respond. LabStar® - highly recommended….. :D
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#51 hobglobin

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 03:39 PM

49. Now back to fancy gadgets that are a must in every lab for ensuring that you work in a healthy, happy, safe environment, they keep errors (therefore stress) to the minimum and make sure that you’re as productive as ever. One should install in every bench- LabStar® a lab security, safety and protocol navigation device. When you push the red button, a live, see-all, know-all female advisor (with a bedroom voice) will give you step by step instructions on how to do your complicated experiments. “Step 1. Unwrap your 96-well flat-bottomed plates and place on top of your bench N 37 degrees 45.69 and W 97 degrees 90.41.”

For a few dollars more, she can provide encouragement (“good job honey”) constructive criticisms (I see your point but it would be better if you wait till it dries up completely…), modify your protocol (instead of tapping gently, try a hammer) and even verbal abuse (not in that well, you idiot, I said the next one). It’s got an audio-interface, perfect for all your whining and unloading when things don’t work out. It even comes with a blue tooth for flexibility and portability so you’re still connected to your expt even when you’re on bathroom breaks. And while waiting during incubations, it can also set you up on dates, do your social networking, call your Mom etc…And in cases of emergency (like a mini-explosion or flash fires) , you’ve got the red button which when pushed would immediately send an SOS signal everywhere that even an alien ship passing by would respond. LabStar® - highly recommended….. :D

:D I would say HAL 9000 would be a better name for this thing.
And don't forget No. 10. ;)
One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

#52 casandra

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 03:45 PM

49. Now back to fancy gadgets that are a must in every lab for ensuring that you work in a healthy, happy, safe environment, they keep errors (therefore stress) to the minimum and make sure that you’re as productive as ever. One should install in every bench- LabStar® a lab security, safety and protocol navigation device. When you push the red button, a live, see-all, know-all female advisor (with a bedroom voice) will give you step by step instructions on how to do your complicated experiments. “Step 1. Unwrap your 96-well flat-bottomed plates and place on top of your bench N 37 degrees 45.69 and W 97 degrees 90.41.”

For a few dollars more, she can provide encouragement (“good job honey”) constructive criticisms (I see your point but it would be better if you wait till it dries up completely…), modify your protocol (instead of tapping gently, try a hammer) and even verbal abuse (not in that well, you idiot, I said the next one). It’s got an audio-interface, perfect for all your whining and unloading when things don’t work out. It even comes with a blue tooth for flexibility and portability so you’re still connected to your expt even when you’re on bathroom breaks. And while waiting during incubations, it can also set you up on dates, do your social networking, call your Mom etc…And in cases of emergency (like a mini-explosion or flash fires) , you’ve got the red button which when pushed would immediately send an SOS signal everywhere that even an alien ship passing by would respond. LabStar® - highly recommended….. :D

:D I would say HAL 9000 would be a better name for this thing.
And don't forget No. 10. :D

does he have a bedroom voice? ;)....that's the catch.....
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#53 swanny

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 02:28 PM

48. Apart from a positive working atmosphere and reliable business environment, don't forget the gimmicks and gadgets that brightens the scientist's day and make sure that all work in a pleasant environment. I don't think of the automatic pipetting station with build-in mp3-player or scented autoclaves (though the latter might be useful too sometimes).
What a successful company and the evil scientist's backyard Inc. anyway needs are the proper laboratory animals.
Our ancestors stole cats and dogs from the streets, backyards and of course the cute pets of children. Or made expensive expeditions to collect apes and bats from rain forests or outlying castles (and then were bitten by those zombie-virus-vectors).
No. What one needs are standardised, healthy and easy to keep animals. Susceptible to the tests, modest, not dangerous, not malodorous, not too big, not too small.
I think of the laboratory koala that fulfils all the demands of a modern laboratory. But over and above all this advantages, it's a cute, fluffy pet, all technicians will love to work with and cuddle in the free time. As as result the working atmosphere is less tense and all are happy.
Finally those creatures are also useful for the therapy of absent-minded, senile professors. Certified by Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.


Cute, fluffy pet? Are you outta your everloving mind? Hobgoblin, whatever else you do today, put your analyst on danger money!! Koalas are just as likely to pee all over you as anything else. And how do you think they climb gum trees, my evil-scientist friend? Their claws are long, sharp, and well-used, even as babies!

Still, they are nicer than their cousins, the Eastern drop-bear. That is one marsupial I would not like to meet in a dark alley!!! Feisty enough to make casandra (good morning, casandra) seem like a nun, and more evil-smelling than a room filled with undergraduate mechanical engineering students after a pub-and-kebab session.

No, no, koalas are just one of the many reason sane, thinking Australians do not take their native animals and try to domesticate them. Hey, now THAT would make an interesting new thread: which native animals would you like to / never consider taking as a pet? I reckon the Aussie contingent could win hands-down on that one!

Oh, to keep this posting on-course:
50. When carrying out animal experiments, make sure all laboratory personnel use PPE.
Heart disease kills more women than breast cancer, but heart attack symptoms differ from men's symptoms. Get to know your heart... it could save your life.

#54 swanny

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 02:32 PM

49. Now back to fancy gadgets that are a must in every lab for ensuring that you work in a healthy, happy, safe environment, they keep errors (therefore stress) to the minimum and make sure that you’re as productive as ever. One should install in every bench- LabStar® a lab security, safety and protocol navigation device. When you push the red button, a live, see-all, know-all female advisor (with a bedroom voice) will give you step by step instructions on how to do your complicated experiments. “Step 1. Unwrap your 96-well flat-bottomed plates and place on top of your bench N 37 degrees 45.69 and W 97 degrees 90.41.”


Just out of idle curiosity, casandra, why would you want a female-voiced LabStar® (with a bedroom voice, no less)? ;)
Heart disease kills more women than breast cancer, but heart attack symptoms differ from men's symptoms. Get to know your heart... it could save your life.

#55 casandra

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 02:46 PM

49. Now back to fancy gadgets that are a must in every lab for ensuring that you work in a healthy, happy, safe environment, they keep errors (therefore stress) to the minimum and make sure that you’re as productive as ever. One should install in every bench- LabStar® a lab security, safety and protocol navigation device. When you push the red button, a live, see-all, know-all female advisor (with a bedroom voice) will give you step by step instructions on how to do your complicated experiments. “Step 1. Unwrap your 96-well flat-bottomed plates and place on top of your bench N 37 degrees 45.69 and W 97 degrees 90.41.”


Just out of idle curiosity, casandra, why would you want a female-voiced LabStar® (with a bedroom voice, no less)? ;)

:lol: must you ever be this inquisitive grumpy old scientist , swanny...of course, it has to be a female voice, if it were male's, then I'd completely forget about the whole darn protocol , the entire experiment for that matter and just sit back and relax and listen to that voice...:)....(oh, and my sincerest apologies to OnStar®- but swanny has a point...it's time to downgrade to a male's voice)

ps..did you just call me an evil-smelling nun? :P ;)

Edited by casandra, 15 March 2009 - 02:51 PM.

"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#56 hobglobin

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 02:54 PM

48. Apart from a positive working atmosphere and reliable business environment, don't forget the gimmicks and gadgets that brightens the scientist's day and make sure that all work in a pleasant environment. I don't think of the automatic pipetting station with build-in mp3-player or scented autoclaves (though the latter might be useful too sometimes).
What a successful company and the evil scientist's backyard Inc. anyway needs are the proper laboratory animals.
Our ancestors stole cats and dogs from the streets, backyards and of course the cute pets of children. Or made expensive expeditions to collect apes and bats from rain forests or outlying castles (and then were bitten by those zombie-virus-vectors).
No. What one needs are standardised, healthy and easy to keep animals. Susceptible to the tests, modest, not dangerous, not malodorous, not too big, not too small.
I think of the laboratory koala that fulfils all the demands of a modern laboratory. But over and above all this advantages, it's a cute, fluffy pet, all technicians will love to work with and cuddle in the free time. As as result the working atmosphere is less tense and all are happy.
Finally those creatures are also useful for the therapy of absent-minded, senile professors. Certified by Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.


Cute, fluffy pet? Are you outta your everloving mind? Hobgoblin, whatever else you do today, put your analyst on danger money!! Koalas are just as likely to pee all over you as anything else. And how do you think they climb gum trees, my evil-scientist friend? Their claws are long, sharp, and well-used, even as babies!

Still, they are nicer than their cousins, the Eastern drop-bear. That is one marsupial I would not like to meet in a dark alley!!! Feisty enough to make casandra (good morning, casandra) seem like a nun, and more evil-smelling than a room filled with undergraduate mechanical engineering students after a pub-and-kebab session.

No, no, koalas are just one of the many reason sane, thinking Australians do not take their native animals and try to domesticate them. Hey, now THAT would make an interesting new thread: which native animals would you like to / never consider taking as a pet? I reckon the Aussie contingent could win hands-down on that one!

Oh, to keep this posting on-course:
50. When carrying out animal experiments, make sure all laboratory personnel use PPE.

see it as symbol animal for Panda, koala, red koala (the firefox), bambi, bunnies and all the other anthropomorphized animals. But the laboratory koala I stole from Futurama:

vlcsnap_382109.jpg
One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

#57 casandra

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 07:11 PM

50. When carrying out animal experiments, make sure all laboratory personnel use PPE.


51. When carrying out animal experiments, make sure all laboratory animals use PPE or partially so.... ;)

Posted Image

Edited by casandra, 15 March 2009 - 07:12 PM.

"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#58 casandra

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 07:29 PM

see it as symbol animal for Panda, koala, red koala (the firefox), bambi, bunnies and all the other anthropomorphized animals. But the laboratory koala I stole from Futurama:

vlcsnap_382109.jpg

and my LabStar® is worse, I stole it from GM OnStar® ;).... but you better start a patent application for your scented autoclaves dr H, before Tuttnauer/Brinkmann steals it from you. Just imagine- no more stink from your LB broth..and it can be multi-purpose too...you can use it also for facials (try the lavender or rose scent) that shld guarantee to open up all your pores or if you're having a bit of cough..try the eukalyptus as a decongestant....of course, you have to wait until the apparatus cools down a bit, that should be clearly stated in the fine print.... :P
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#59 perneseblue

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 10:59 AM

52. Court the media. Good presentation can ease public fears of your work. Look at Dr Lester Mordock and the unveiling of his army of giant, super intelligent crabs.

Strong enough to pick up and throw cars, even trains these 75 feet tall crabs will be used for civil construction projects. I understand the American public is quite taken by these giant crabs, and there is going to be a crowd when the largest of this new species, the Queen Crab will be shown.

Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
May your PCR products be long, your protocols short and your boss on holiday

#60 hobglobin

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Posted 18 March 2009 - 12:34 PM

53. Even simple questions need a complex experimental design and sophisticated equipment. You remember the old days of research? Test tubes and microscopes. And an experienced and well-read scientist with some great ideas.
Today for the same problem a 96 well plate reader (or better a DNA microarray multiplex assay?) and confocal laser scanning microscopy is used. Okay, altogether you need finally more time for the experiments, because you've to learn the methods and to train the technicians, then the equipment anyway don't work and needs maintenance. Or the fluorescence dye is exhausted.
But there are so many reasons and inherent necessities for this: Results are more convincingly for reviewers and supervisors and then easier to publish, only research with"cutting-edge" methods is funded, and this year's budget has to be used up.
Unfortunately all this causes that you have no time to read important papers or to make your own thoughts. Time for one great idea. And then you only imitate others with slightly modified experiments, that are published in lower-ranking journals.

Edited by hobglobin, 18 March 2009 - 12:39 PM.

One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.




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