61 replies to this topic

[perneseblue]

Dear all,

It has come to my attention, there are books to teach us how to survive post apocalyptic world that may come. Such useful books as “How to Survive a Robot Uprising” and “The Zombie Survival Guide”

Yet there is not a single book, or even list of safety instructions for young aspiring scientist. If we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. And this is no mere rhetoric. Please recall the case of Dr Jekyll. A simple change in experimental protocol, the mere avoidance of self experimentation and he would have avoided disaster. But disaster he did meet and no lessons were learn as the same mistake were made by Dr. Jack Griffin, who discovered and lost the secret of invisibility. And again by Dr. Seth Brundle, who developed the teleporter and met with personal disaster due to the presence of a fly. Losing all hope of getting a date.

A simple set of rules would help the young scientist who wishes to push the boundaries of knowledge in the lands that man was not meant to know, would be helpful.

For starter I shall propose

1) No self experimentation. While producing less satisfactory observations, all human experimentation should be conducted on others. A level of self control must be maintained. Less haste, and you would avoid the disaster faced by Dr Jekyll.

[hobglobin]

2. Don't steal brains from dead criminals during nightly cemetery raids. Use approved brains of quality (perhaps with good-conduct certificate), e.g. the just passed away professor of the neighbouring lab.

[casandra]

3. Never ever mix 5000 gallons of white vinegar with a dump-truck load of baking soda to inflate a giant weather balloon......just ask Bill Nye, the Evil Science Guy (check out this headline news here ...and oh what a blast....poor Guy....they're still skimming thru the foam, looking for bits and parts of him and his bow tie......

[hobglobin]

4. Avoid solitary places for your lab. Sites like old castles, ruined mansions, abandoned factories or outlying farms may be picturesque and/or inexpensive but are definitely unsuitable. Not only because of the rotten water supply.

Edited by hobglobin, 01 March 2009 - 06:48 AM.

[casandra]

5. And if you plan to continue with Lilly’s 24 h sensory deprivation tank experiments (with no food, drink, no computer) please don’t ask these usual, really tired and very lame reporter questions: what is going thru your mind during these moments?

[swanny]

6. All high-powered laser devices must have safety interlock features such that they can be easily inactivated (this also applies for the proposed handbook "Being an Evil Overlord for Dummies".

7. Further to point 2, do not hire body part collectors / research assistants who are not properly qualified. Hunchbacks just won't do, even (especially?) if they are your wife's cousin's idiot son!

[LostintheLab]

8.Never carry out research in the name of humanity- this way always leads to escaped genetically modified monsters or viruses that wipe out the very humanity you were trying to save

9. Further to points 2,4 and 7 always site your laboratory away from villages that have excess supplies of pitchforks and burning torches.

[hobglobin]

10. Your computers, androids, control units or any other equipment should not be more intelligent than you. Too much AI can be dangerous, therefore an ordinary desktop computer should do the job in most cases. If a supercomputer is really needed be sure that it only does the tasks he's build for, avoid too complex circuitries, emotion chips, and don't connect it to any other equipments (automatic doors, robots, ventilation, airlocks, power supply, etc). An emergency power-off switch is always helpful.

[perneseblue]

11. Keep things simple. Never over complicate your work, more so when eliminating unwanted agents such as super spy, James Bond. The use of laser, sharks, disintegrator chambers will not do. The more complex the process the higher the chance of failure.

[casandra]

12. And a rather special note about sharks....making Jaws for pure entertainment is keeping it simple but if you transplant Hitler's brain into one of them, then you've gone too far ( i.e. according to Professor Farnsworth)....


13. As a corollary to point 10, you can't make them AI esp androids also more gorgeous and perfect-looking than yourself either. It can't be good for your self-esteem and not if you're the stereotypically looking-like-a-mad man mad scientist (with every day a bad hair day).

[hobglobin]

14. However if a emergency situation is present, in all cases police, fire department, army, men in black, or the superior alien friends will be too late. You always have to help yourself. Therefore make emergency plans, exercise yourself, buy personal protective equipment (helmet, bulletproof vest, breather) as a minimum. A gun that definitely can kill the insane android may be necessary too. Don't forget emergency exits and an escape pod. If you have unlimited funds (or just really being scared of something in your experiments) then a transporter may be worth to purchase.

Edited by hobglobin, 03 March 2009 - 03:14 AM.

[hobglobin]

15. Only work with known dimensions (to my knowledge 3-4 if you keep at classic physics, the rest is hypothetic and too mathematical and definitions seem quite blurred). If you detect more and try to access them, you can be sure that they are filled with greedy horrible monsters or lost souls that want to get (and kill) you.

[casandra]

16. Try to avoid really bad combinations.....chemistry and the occult... rocket fuel and Project Moonchild....then throw in L. Ron Hubbard and fraud to the mix plus some Hollywood special effects (after coming down in the world)...and what have we got? Actually, it's probably a sweaty palm and a coffee can filled with explosives, while tinkering in his own backyard lab no less, which did Jack Parsons in. Some more rules to remember: keep your mind in your science, your money in your pocket, your feet on the ground and your hands dry all the time.

[Minnie Mouse]

17. Avoid working for a psychopath boss.

[hobglobin]

18. Don't follow main stream, flow of funds, science fashions or peer pressure. You'll lose ethics, honour, life, or your appearance...