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[Doki]

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[Doki]

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it _ sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

Borrowed from Miss Celina's blog

[Doki]

How to catch a Lion?

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you...
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...
Implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive)...

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion...
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon...
Now you can trap it easily...

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that the lion should be in the cage...
So set the trap, sit down and wait...

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it...
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion...
Lion's in and we are out!

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
every thing to pass in it except the lions...
Then sweep the entire forest with it...

6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire the area...
The lion is some where in the result...
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion
to trace out the lion...

7. The TJ's  Method:
Don't try. You'll get caught by the lion...

Edited by Nabi, 07 July 2009 - 05:37 AM.

[toejam]

haha....why would you even try to catch a lion? sounds like trying to be friendly with grizzly bears, people usually get eaten by them, just ask timothy treadwell a.k.a. grizzly man

[MrMopster]

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to co-author a paper entitled 'coping with darkness'.

[Doki]

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop

"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

-"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore

Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?" and
"Oh Shit!"

" Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"

[Doki]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Stephan]

A blond women walks into a bank and asks to speak to one of the loan specialists.  She says that she is going on a 2 week holiday and would like to take out a $1000 loan.  The bank adviser said that they would have to take some sort of collateral to guarantee her repayment.  She agreed to leave her $500 000 sports car to cover it.
The banker was very surprised that such a wealthy women would need a loan of $1000, but he agreed and gave her the $1000 dollars and took her car, thinking she was just being stupid.  As she walked out, all the banks employees were laughing at her stupidity.  2 weeks later she returned and asked to pay back her loan, the banker informed her that there was an additional $5.70 in interest - this didn't bother her and she paid all the money back.  As she started walking out the banker stopped her and asked: "I just don't get it, why would you need a $1000 loan when you are obviously rich?"  She said: "Well, I couldn't find a cheaper place to leave my car for 2 weeks, and I know the bank would make sure it was protected - all of this for $5.70!"

[casandra]

Stephan, on Jul 30 2009, 11:37 AM, said:

A blond women walks into a bank and asks to speak to one of the loan specialists.  She says that she is going on a 2 week holiday and would like to take out a $1000 loan.  The bank adviser said that they would have to take some sort of collateral to guarantee her repayment.  She agreed to leave her $500 000 sports car to cover it.
The banker was very surprised that such a wealthy women would need a loan of $1000, but he agreed and gave her the $1000 dollars and took her car, thinking she was just being stupid.  As she walked out, all the banks employees were laughing at her stupidity.  2 weeks later she returned and asked to pay back her loan, the banker informed her that there was an additional $5.70 in interest - this didn't bother her and she paid all the money back.  As she started walking out the banker stopped her and asked: "I just don't get it, why would you need a $1000 loan when you are obviously rich?"  She said: "Well, I couldn't find a cheaper place to leave my car for 2 weeks, and I know the bank would make sure it was protected - all of this for $5.70!"

I thought that this was gonna be one of those blonde jokes....oh..it IS a blonde joke ....a blonde and bank joke.......welcome to the forum, Stephan....

Edited by casandra, 30 July 2009 - 08:12 PM.

[Doki]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

[Stephan]

G.W. Bush gets a phone call one morning from his general on the battlefield, he says "sorry to inform you sir, but we lost 3 Brazilian soldiers on the battle field today.  Overcome with emotion, Bush places his head in his hands and sighs.  He is returns to the phone and asks the general: "Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

[Doki]

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

“On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.”

“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

“The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Opus.

“When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

“The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.”

There was an exquisite twist. “Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

“The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”

[Stephan]

Very nice!  Karma I guess?

[casandra]

...it looks like a story I'd have written....so the old man was charged with nothing? at the very least- pre-suicide possession of an unloaded, non-deadly weapon..... that shld simply things...

Edited by casandra, 14 August 2009 - 06:07 AM.

[hobglobin]

Funny   But it sounds familiar, wasn't there a movie or detective story about this?