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I think, therefore, I joke


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#91 Doki

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Posted 25 April 2010 - 09:53 PM

A man is in a coffee shop with his son. He lays his change on the table and the little boy starts to play with it. The son puts a quarter in his mouth, which becomes lodged in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business.
Simple living, highnot thinking

#92 Doki

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Posted 02 May 2010 - 06:01 PM

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste

for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department,

he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then,

Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job

. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight.

You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.
Simple living, highnot thinking

#93 Doki

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Posted 06 May 2010 - 05:26 PM

"What is an island?"

"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."

"On one side?"

"Yes, on top!"
Simple living, highnot thinking

#94 Doki

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Posted 06 May 2010 - 08:35 PM

A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day.

Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#95 casandra

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 06:58 PM

Difficult Landing

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and here's another one....



American in Paris

Harvey, an elderly American absentmindedly arrived at French immigration at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris and fumbled for his passport.

'You have been to France before Monsieur?' the official asked in an aggressive tone.

Harvey, smiled and admitted that he had been to France before.

'In that case you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,' barked the bad-tempered officer.

Harvey gently informed the man that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport or any other documents.

'Pas possible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in 'la belle France.'

Harvey gave the Frenchman a long hard look. 'I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in
Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there was no damned Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.'



:wacko:...both "lifted" from here....
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#96 Another Jake

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 08:35 PM

An Abby in a small town decided to open a florist shop to help with their finances and charity. Since the people of the town loved to buy flowers from these men of God, the other florist in town was losing all his business. The man went to the friars and asked them to find another way to raise money, but the friars told him the shop was doing wonders for the Abby and wouldn't be closed. The man begged them, crying of how he would lose his shop and wouldn't be able to feed his children. The friars told him their shop would feed not only them, but the poor as well. The man even sent his mother to beg the friars on his behalf, but the monks refused to close. Finally, furious and desperate, the man hired the roughest, toughest bruit in town, Hugh McTaggard, to let the friars know he meant business. Hugh burst into their shop, smashed their pots, scattered their flowers, and beat the men bloody. The shop closed that very day.
It just goes to show you:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

#97 Doki

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 08:41 PM

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#98 casandra

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 08:47 PM

An Abby in a small town decided to open a florist shop to help with their finances and charity. Since the people of the town loved to buy flowers from these men of God, the other florist in town was losing all his business. The man went to the friars and asked them to find another way to raise money, but the friars told him the shop was doing wonders for the Abby and wouldn't be closed. The man begged them, crying of how he would lose his shop and wouldn't be able to feed his children. The friars told him their shop would feed not only them, but the poor as well. The man even sent his mother to beg the friars on his behalf, but the monks refused to close. Finally, furious and desperate, the man hired the roughest, toughest bruit in town, Hugh McTaggard, to let the friars know he meant business. Hugh burst into their shop, smashed their pots, scattered their flowers, and beat the men bloody. The shop closed that very day.
It just goes to show you:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

:wacko:...I had to read this a few times before I got it... we canucks may be slow in getting the joke but we at least know how to spell or.... pronounce properly...welcome to Bioforum, Another Jake.....

Edited by casandra, 07 May 2010 - 08:49 PM.

"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#99 Doki

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 08:53 PM

An Abby in a small town decided to open a florist shop to help with their finances and charity. Since the people of the town loved to buy flowers from these men of God, the other florist in town was losing all his business. The man went to the friars and asked them to find another way to raise money, but the friars told him the shop was doing wonders for the Abby and wouldn't be closed. The man begged them, crying of how he would lose his shop and wouldn't be able to feed his children. The friars told him their shop would feed not only them, but the poor as well. The man even sent his mother to beg the friars on his behalf, but the monks refused to close. Finally, furious and desperate, the man hired the roughest, toughest bruit in town, Hugh McTaggard, to let the friars know he meant business. Hugh burst into their shop, smashed their pots, scattered their flowers, and beat the men bloody. The shop closed that very day.
It just goes to show you:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

:wacko:...I had to read this a few times before I got it... we canucks may be slow in getting the joke but we at least know how to spell or.... pronounce properly...welcome to Bioforum, Another Jake.....


I am still reading over and over :)
Simple living, highnot thinking

#100 casandra

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 09:00 PM

An Abby in a small town decided to open a florist shop to help with their finances and charity. Since the people of the town loved to buy flowers from these men of God, the other florist in town was losing all his business. The man went to the friars and asked them to find another way to raise money, but the friars told him the shop was doing wonders for the Abby and wouldn't be closed. The man begged them, crying of how he would lose his shop and wouldn't be able to feed his children. The friars told him their shop would feed not only them, but the poor as well. The man even sent his mother to beg the friars on his behalf, but the monks refused to close. Finally, furious and desperate, the man hired the roughest, toughest bruit in town, Hugh McTaggard, to let the friars know he meant business. Hugh burst into their shop, smashed their pots, scattered their flowers, and beat the men bloody. The shop closed that very day.
It just goes to show you:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

:P...I had to read this a few times before I got it... we canucks may be slow in getting the joke but we at least know how to spell or.... pronounce properly...welcome to Bioforum, Another Jake.....


I am still reading over and over :(

:D..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :lol:..
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#101 Doki

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 09:11 PM

An Abby in a small town decided to open a florist shop to help with their finances and charity. Since the people of the town loved to buy flowers from these men of God, the other florist in town was losing all his business. The man went to the friars and asked them to find another way to raise money, but the friars told him the shop was doing wonders for the Abby and wouldn't be closed. The man begged them, crying of how he would lose his shop and wouldn't be able to feed his children. The friars told him their shop would feed not only them, but the poor as well. The man even sent his mother to beg the friars on his behalf, but the monks refused to close. Finally, furious and desperate, the man hired the roughest, toughest bruit in town, Hugh McTaggard, to let the friars know he meant business. Hugh burst into their shop, smashed their pots, scattered their flowers, and beat the men bloody. The shop closed that very day.
It just goes to show you:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

:P...I had to read this a few times before I got it... we canucks may be slow in getting the joke but we at least know how to spell or.... pronounce properly...welcome to Bioforum, Another Jake.....


I am still reading over and over :D

:D..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :lol:..

I will try reading it few more times; else I will ask one of my canuck friends :(

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that  would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for  the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's  business card."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#102 hobglobin

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Posted 08 May 2010 - 06:27 AM

:(..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :lol:..


Also needed some time to get it...this is a clue too: Read it loud...

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." :P

One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

That is....if she posts at all.


#103 casandra

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Posted 08 May 2010 - 06:35 AM

:D..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :lol:..


Also needed some time to get it...this is a clue too: Read it loud...

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." :(

:D....he had to make us work for it....


"Isaac Newton was the first discoverer of gravy." :P
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#104 hobglobin

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Posted 08 May 2010 - 06:41 AM

:D..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :lol:..


Also needed some time to get it...this is a clue too: Read it loud...

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." :(

:D....he had to make us work for it....


"Isaac Newton was the first discoverer of gravy." :P

:D BTW I didn't get your foam and water as clue....

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

One must presume that long and short arguments contribute to the same end. - Epicurus
...except casandra's that belong to the funniest, most interesting and imaginative (or over-imaginative?) ones, I suppose.

That is....if she posts at all.


#105 casandra

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Posted 08 May 2010 - 06:59 AM

:D..then it's not a joke anymore if Jake has to explain it...but perhaps he shld....clue: but where's the water or the foam? :P..


Also needed some time to get it...this is a clue too: Read it loud...

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." :D

:D....he had to make us work for it....


"Isaac Newton was the first discoverer of gravy." :(

:D BTW I didn't get your foam and water as clue....

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

if you didn't get the foam, then you didn't get the joke...:lol:...


What's the origin of the universe?

It's started with the big band...:D
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......




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