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I think, therefore, I joke


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#1 casandra

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Posted 30 January 2009 - 05:30 AM

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
(not that we’re aiming for serious here or even good ;) .......just....... fun.... :) )


Time for a reload..................



A New York boy is being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" asks the city boy.

His cousin replies, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."



*****************************


Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. �Watson,� he says, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.

"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"

Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I expect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and that we are small and insignificant.
Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!!!"

Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes
By Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein



***************************



The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.


****************************


God is Dead. Nietzsche

Nietzsche is Dead. God
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#2 Doki

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Posted 30 January 2009 - 08:13 AM

Book cover Philosophy

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#3 casandra

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Excellent

Posted 31 January 2009 - 01:18 PM

Philosophers Revenge


Philosophers truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, they are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for millenia. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patiencewith such lack of progress.

For example, consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?

This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is still no philosophical consensus as to what the answer should be.

But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, torture some grad students while at it, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!

Brian Smith of Xerox PARC
( with a bit of modification from me...sorry... :P )
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#4 Doki

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Posted 01 February 2009 - 10:23 PM

Mental Blindness Philosophy

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
Simple living, highnot thinking

#5 Doki

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Posted 02 February 2009 - 12:10 AM

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--
Socrates
Simple living, highnot thinking

#6 Doki

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Posted 15 February 2009 - 08:06 PM

Meaning of Dream Philosophy

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

"You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Simple living, highnot thinking

#7 Doki

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 09:46 PM

Philosophy of Professionalism

A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"

The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".

And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"

And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"
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#8 Doki

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 06:53 AM

Philosophy of Honest Woman

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with George Clooney. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Simple living, highnot thinking

#9 casandra

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:57 PM

this really strikes a nihilistic chord within me.......


Nietzsche's Guide to Tech Support

Guidelines:
When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.


Key Phrases:
"You aren't very smart, are you?"
"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please desist from using it - you are soiling it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level.

Key Phrases:
"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to comprehend."

"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."

"What you've done in your function, fool, is the coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.

Key Phrases:
"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike comprehension."

"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8. You are familiar with that section, I assume..."

"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible.




- shamelessly filched from Richard Harter's World... :lol:
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#10 Doki

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Posted 17 March 2009 - 08:30 PM

Philosophy of Efficiency

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#11 casandra

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Posted 19 March 2009 - 06:56 PM

The Philosophy of Positive Absolutism

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."



^_^ stolen from somewhere in the big wide web..........
"Oh what a beauteousness!"
- hobglobin, personal comment about my beauteous photo......

#12 Doki

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Posted 20 March 2009 - 06:22 AM

Philosophy of Freedom from Fear

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Simple living, highnot thinking

#13 Doki

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Posted 01 April 2009 - 11:50 PM

Philosophy of Confession

Brian ducked into a confessional booth with a turkey in his hands.
A moment later, the priest stepped into the adjoining booth.
"Forgive me, Father," Brian confessed, "for I have sinned. I have stolen this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian said, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
The Priest thought for a moment and then said, "Well, if what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
"Thank you, Father," Brian said. He then hurried off.
When his day was done, the Priest left the church and returned to his house. When he walked into his kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
Simple living, highnot thinking

#14 Doki

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 04:13 AM

Philosophy of following Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Simple living, highnot thinking

#15 strawberry

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Posted 12 May 2009 - 10:42 AM

Meaning of Dream Philosophy

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

"You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”


:D




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